The Dating Struggles of Noncollege Men
Well-educated women are pessimistic about dating, but they are more successful than most
I write a lot about dating. So do lots of other people. Recently, a series of articles have been published that have hit on a not entirely novel thesis: dating men is a uniquely terrible experience for many women. These articles introduced new terms, “heterofatalism” or “heteropessimism,” to capture the unenviable experience of being a woman attracted to men. I don’t find it difficult to believe that men sometimes engage in offensive, off-putting, or even threatening dating behaviors. I’ve heard plenty of these stories and have written about them. It’s also important to explain why it happens. If our goal is to understand modern dating dynamics, we need to step back from personal narratives that create compelling reading but provide little clarity.
Despite what you may have read, we are not experiencing a crisis of heterosexuality, at least not among college graduates. Most college-educated women are still getting married, even if the process of finding a spouse is less enjoyable than it once was. The marriage rate for college-educated women has been incredibly stable for the last 70 years. This stability is even more impressive when you consider that the number of women earning four-year degrees has exploded in recent decades. It’s not only that college-educated women are able to find partners, but they also tend to be quite satisfied with the ones they get. More than eight in ten college-educated married women report being completely satisfied or very satisfied with their relationship.
But there’s another group who fares far worse on the dating market, even if their voices are not often represented in The New York Times. Nearly half (49 percent) of men under the age of 40 with no college experience are romantically unattached.1 They do not have a spouse, a long-term partner, or a girlfriend. This stands in stark contrast to their female peers. Only 27 percent of noncollege women are single, and even fewer (18 percent) college-educated women are single.
Can we chalk this up to self-selection? Are noncollege men less interested in settling down than their female peers? There’s not a great deal of support for this theory. A Pew survey shows that men are more open to casually dating than women, but it’s college-educated men who appear most open to short-term relationships. Notably, noncollege single men are more interested in finding a partner than noncollege women. More than seven in ten (72 percent) noncollege single women say they are not looking for any kind of relationship—neither a long-term commitment nor a casual fling.
What about lack of social skills? Noncollege men have fewer close friends than those with college degrees and are less connected to traditional social and civic institutions. More than one in four (26 percent) noncollege men under age 40 report having no close friends, more than twice the rate of college-educated men. Given the critical role that friendship networks play in finding a spouse—44 percent of young people said they were friends with their partner before they became a couple—a smaller social circle is a romantic liability. It’s not only the size of the social network that matters either; it’s the nature of the relationship too. I’ve previously argued that male friendships are less helpful in preparing men for romantic success.
Dating apps solve none of these problems. Not only do dating platforms encourage superficial evaluations of potential partners, but they also make it incredibly easy to screen profiles based on socio-economic criteria with filters for job title, career, and education. It’s no surprise, then, that compared to college-educated men, noncollege men report having far less success dating online.
The Threshold Question
There’s a more fundamental reason why so many noncollege men struggle on the dating market. Men’s value is still tightly tethered to traditional expectations that they will be able to provide. Their value as partners is closely tied to their willingness and capacity to offer financial security. There’s a great deal of evidence for this:
Less than half (47 percent) of noncollege men said that they would be less likely to date someone who was unemployed. By contrast, roughly three-quarters (74 percent) of noncollege women say that being unemployed would make them less interested. A remarkable 89 percent of college-educated women say that employment status has a bearing on their level of romantic interest.
Living at home with your parents is a much greater liability for men than it is for women. Only 30 percent of noncollege men say they would be less inclined to date a woman who lives with her parents. It’s a far more important factor for women. More than half (52 percent) of noncollege women and nearly seven in ten (69 percent) college-educated women report being less interested in dating someone who lives with their parents.
A Pew survey of Americans dating online found that occupational information was a far more relevant dating consideration for women than men. Only 31 percent of noncollege men dating online said that it mattered to them whether a profile included their occupation. Sixty-three percent of noncollege women and 80 percent of college-educated women said this was relevant to them.
Another Pew study found that evaluations of what makes someone a good partner are nearly identical for men and women, except for one criterion: ability to financially support a family. Seventy-one percent of Americans say the ability to support a family is a critical component of male partnership, but only 32 percent say the same of women. Importantly, views of men and women have nearly identical views when it comes to evaluating men—the ability to provide financially remains inextricably linked to partner quality.
Across the board, noncollege men express greater flexibility in their dating preferences. They are less concerned about political or religious compatibility, employment status, or lifestyle habits, such as smoking. In a previous survey, we asked about a variety of dating preferences and found that noncollege men had the fewest dealbreakers. Even physical appearance may be less important for noncollege men. The Pew survey of online daters found that only 59 percent of noncollege men said it is very important that profiles include a photo. Conversely, 68 percent of noncollege women and three-quarters (74 percent) of college-educated women said this is crucial information.
Young women are outpacing men in educational attainment. They also continue to make gains in male-dominated fields and have achieved far greater financial independence than previous generations of young women. But they still maintain a strong preference for partners who can provide financial stability. A recent report from the American Institute for Boys and Men found that when working-class men’s economic fortunes rose, the marriage rate for working-class women in the area increased as well. Even as young women have grown more politically progressive, their dating preferences are still a bit... traditional. When seeking a long-term partner, financial viability remains a threshold issue for most women.
Acknowledging the challenges noncollege men face on the dating market does not diminish the legitimate complaints that single women have. For instance, nearly half of noncollege women have experienced partner infidelity at some point in their life, a rate far higher than men. Women face their own challenges, but financial failure does not imperil their ability to find a partner in the same way it does for men. Once you understand this, so much of male behavior—interest in gambling, cryptocurrency, and self-improvement regimens—starts to make more sense.
Too often in discussions about dating and romantic relationships, especially those taking place on social media, there’s a lack of honesty about the critical role that a man’s earning potential plays in partner selection decisions. Men’s employment and occupational status continue to have much greater bearing on their ability to find a partner than they do for women. The insecurity that increasingly defines the economic lives of noncollege men creates relational vulnerability as well.
Men and women face different challenges on the dating market. Women are more likely to be overwhelmed with options, especially those offering short-term commitments, while men struggle more often to attract romantic interest of any kind. Nearly four in ten (38 percent) single noncollege men report that they have never been on a date, an experience shared by only 14 percent of single college-educated women.
Despite the different hurdles they face, men and women have strikingly parallel desires. Women rightly and justifiably want men to see them as people, not simply as objects of desire or a bottomless well of emotional support. Men want to be seen as more than a paycheck or a meal ticket.
We’re heading in the wrong direction. A young woman recently posted on social media a picture of herself in front of a fountain with her dating requirements. Of the six qualities she lists as requirements for her prospective partner, three are financial: a credit score of 750+, “pays for everything,” and cryptocurrency investments. The post might not reflect typical dating expectations, but it rapidly garnered millions of views with plenty of affirmations in the comments. If dating becomes completely transactional, relationships will devolve into a race to see who can extract the most from the arrangement. It surely leaves some worse off than others, but few will find that it leads to a satisfying relationship.
Could you help me with the math? How can there be more married women than men?
What group of women is not married to make up for the men who are not?